The Woman With Dead Dreams

There was a woman who was beautiful, who started with all the advantages, yet she had no luck. Do you want to know who the woman was?
It was me.
I was born in a traditional, joint family with middle class mentality. I was brought up in a strict environment. Friends at home was a complete no-no. Going out with friends for movies, for school trips, for a birthday treats was a no too. Talking to boys was to be kept minimal, if not possible to totally avoid. All I had to do was to study and take care of the household chores.
I laugh, only when I’m with my girl gang, that too with no distinct voice because decent girls don’t laugh loudly. I go out but only with my family. I don’t smile at all the attention I gain. I just look down and walk nonchalantly. I don’t wait and talk with my male friends, if I bump into them unexpectedly at theater, roads, or even family events. Because I don’t want a lecture after going home. I am silent most of the times.If I shout to my loudest, you wouldn’t hear if you were even 5 meters away from me. I especially don’t do all this because I don’t want any outsider punk to go home and tell my parents that I haven’t been a good girl lately.
But to be frank I’m killing myself without even letting me born.
Then I enter college.
Ah! college! I had so many big expectations from my college life. I had seen many movies where protagonists fell in love in college, make life-long friends, where friends go out for night outs, vacations, parties, where people actually enjoy life!
But alas I was wrong.
College is no different, I’m in the same old jail that I was in when I was in school, with all the restrictions, allowing to kill all my dreams and expectations day and night. I’m still doing the same that I’ve been doing all through my life, just passing time and fervently praying for the time to pass soon.  Fun, eh? What is it? Never heard of it!
I thought college would bring me more freedom, but my college life has made my life even more miserable. It has just got a little freedom with ample amount of responsibilities. I have to be more decent than I was supposed to be in school because now I am an adolescent.
Before I could think of what I want to do in life, be in life, I already had a plenty of responsibilities towards my husband and my in-laws.
In school during our English exam, in an essay we were to write about “Your ambitions in life” that was the last time I remember somebody asking me what I wanted to do in life.
Society had a notion of dance being lewd and not meant for gentlefolk. Society succeeded in creating the same image about dance in my parents’ mind. Yes! I wanted to be a dancer. A ballet dancer. I wanted my audience to know my feelings, feel my feelings, all that I wanna say just through my dance.
I learnt some moves from a regular TV show. My friend went to salsa classes and she would learn some moves from her friends who learnt ballet just for me. Okay this was learning, but what about show casing my abilities? my passion? my love?
I am already married.
My parents didn’t allow me to learn dance and asking a permission to perform my feelings, has just remained a question mark, a big question mark.
Now I am wiser so I put on a plastic smile and live life as if I am the happiest woman in my vicinity. But the truth is, I never chose this life and if I were given an option to re-start my life, I would surely chose not to be in this lane, street, town, city, state, country or continent.
Because there is no life here.
Because I don’t like it here but I stay because I have no other option but to stay.
P.S:This article is a work of fiction. And am not married.
P.S.S. With inputs from Jigar Doshi
Fall in love
Love thy self

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